Lessons from Our Elders
EPISODE 15 — 27 MAY 2022
“When you’re younger, you hated hearing, “When I was younger, I didn’t have this.” But you know, we’re at that age where we can reflect on everything our parents ever taught us and be grateful for it and also see sense in it.”
ABOUT THE EP
“Listen to your elders.” Sound familiar? Growing up, this was something our parents drilled into us but what does it really mean? And what has it taught us? We unpack the concept of ‘filial piety’ by reflecting on the lessons our elders have taught us and how they have shaped who we are today.
THE DETAILS
What does it mean to 'Respect your elders'?
The history of filial piety
How we show respect to our elders
Life lessons from our elders
How these lessons show up in our lives today.
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Tracy
Hi, everybody, welcome back to the podcast. We are talking all about our elders, the importance of elders in the Asian culture, and the important life lessons we've learned from them. So I think there's this notion in Asian culture, you know, "Listen to your elders, respect your elders." So we're going to be talking about that today.
Wendy
So maybe let's break down what does it mean to "Respect your elders". Do you want to give us a little bit of a history lesson, Tracy?
Tracy
Yes. So I did some research. I was like, Why? Why is it that in Asian cultures, why do elders play such a big part of our culture? And it actually stems from like Confucianism, the idea of filial piety. So that's a virtue of respect for one's parents, elders and ancestors. It means to take care of one's parents, engage in good contact at home and outside of home, to bring a good name to one's parents and ancestors. And it's all about displaying courtesy to your ancestors, plus the elders. So this virtue is something that stems from ancient Chinese philosophy and bleeds into our culture today, which is why I think it's a very key virtue in a lot of Chinese and other East Asian cultures, as these cultures are heavily influenced by the Confucius philosophy. So it's all about how the older generation should be supported by the younger generation, it's almost the idea that we're paying back the debt of childhood, like our parents supported us, well, the first half of our lives, so we need to support them for the second half.
Wendy
Yeah, it was like and half of their lives. But yeah, how about we talk about...how does it show up in our daily lives? And in our kind of family environment?
Tracy
Yeah, I think like, maybe back when we were children, like the idea of like, listening to your elders was maybe a little bit annoying. Just so annoying, because it's always like, your parents are always right. Like in our culture, it's like, whatever your parents or grandparents say, that's it, you know. You can't you can't debate it, what they say is like set in stone. So I think as a child, the whole idea of listening to your elders was a little bit annoying, but now growing up and appreciating that that's just our culture. That's, you know, respecting our elders is the notion, and I feel more like, appreciative, I think of the life lessons I have learned from them.
Wendy
Yeah, it also makes more sense now that we are a little bit older, we have a bit more experience and we've gone off in our own worlds. And so it's almost like through each of our experiences on a day-to-day basis, we can stop and kind of reflect on...actually I get why my parents were like, I should respect them, and I should listen to them, because all the life lessons that they were talking about, it's come to fruition now. Yeah. And it makes sense. What do you think are like the key examples that have come through in your life?
Tracy
Yeah, we'll talk about like a big life lessons later on. But this is kind of like day-to-day, right?
Wendy
Yeah
Tracy
I think one thing for us is like always calling the elders in the room. So anytime we enter a household, you have to be like, "Hi, grandma, oldest Uncle, second Auntie, third Auntie, fourth Auntie, uncle ABCD." Like, as a young kid in a family, you have to say hello to your elders first. The first thing you do when you enter a house is like "Where are your parents?" And you say hello to them in order.
Wendy
Yeah, I think it's like, even when we visit our friends places. The first question that we always ask each other is, "Oh, who's home? Or your parents home? Where are they? Let me go say hi." Because it's a it's a matter of respect. And because that's been drilled into us as children. It's almost like anywhere we go. We know the importance of acknowledgement, and almost like announcing yourself that you're present in their space.
Tracy
I get super anxious when like, I went to house and like I haven't said hi to someone whose parents here is like, "Where are your parents?" And you know, some people are like, don't worry about it. Yeah, no, no, no, let me say hi to your parents. Yeah. It's just respect, I guess.
Wendy
Yeah. And I think like building on that, um, one thing that my mum always told me was, like, if you don't do these things, it's a bad reflection on me as a parent. It's almost like I didn't teach you properly. So that's, I guess, that's why it's so important to me as well. I can see the implications and I understand what would happen if I don't do it.
Tracy
Yeah. Like, even from the lens of like, for example, my dad would if he sees my friends, and somebody doesn't say hi to the elders. That's a bad impression that he has on my friends.
Wendy
Just building on that. What I used to have to do as a kid is if I went to like an extended family dinner with a table. You'd have to be like, "Oh, big Auntie!" I'm doing like basic translations from Cantonese. But like big Auntie, or like first Auntie, second Auntie. And you have to go in order of like age to whoever's the youngest. And if obviously, you're the youngest, you have to tell everybody to eat before you can.
Tracy
Yes, we still do that now. Oh, yeah, we like everybody. We shorten it now, we just say "Everyone eat", instead of listing out every person. Even at home, I'm like it, "Auntie, eat". You know.
Wendy
I feel like I don't do that now. Because I actually don't see my extended family as much as you do. But then, there are things that I do at the dinner table, such as like, if I'm pouring soup, like I'll do it for my parents first and then I'll do me. Yeah. It's like a matter of like respect, or, like the gesture of acknowledging that they older than you.
Tracy
Yeah. And then things like, for me anyways, like, if I'm picking up my grandmother, we always had to leave the front seat for her. Because she has to sit at the front because she's the head of our family. So always leaving, like, the most important seats for the eldest, I guess. And even when I you know, when you take family photos, the grandparents always sit in the chairs at the front. Yeah. So like, they always have the spotlight or like, yeah.
Wendy
I feel like it's more apparent for you because you see your grandparents, whereas my all my grandparents have passed away. But yeah, I feel like I'm learning through this episode. Other things also is like, like you said before, not talking back to your elders. Oh, my God. I used to get in trouble for this so much. I think because my personality naturally is like, I'm quite stubborn. So I want to have a say and if I don't get a say, it's just like, so frustating, internalised anger. You're just like, "Why are you preventing me from having a point of view?" But now that I'm older, I understand it's kind of like, they just want you to listen, because they're trying to teach you life experience.
Tracy
Yeah, I think the scariest thing as a child was like, talking back. Sometimes I couldn't hold like, I couldn't hold my tongue. So I'll snap back. And I was like, oh, my God, instant mistake. My parents would just get so mad.
Wendy
It just adds fuel to the fire.
Tracy
Yeah, you're like "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to talk back. It was just in the moment." Like, I was so scared of talking back.
Wendy
Yeah. And even if I didn't talk back, it was like, showing that I was angry through body language and stuff. My mom used to say this, like one phrase in Cantonese, like it translates to like, like black face black hands, I think...
Tracy
How do you say it in Cantonese?
Wendy
[Cantonese translation: Hak hau, hak min]. Yeah, it's basically saying that, like, "You're just showing that you're, like, angry or frustrated on your face with like this really dark look, and it's so disrespectful to me." And I used to get in trouble so much for that, especially when I was a teenager and I acknowledge it now. Because if my kid was to show me that they're frustrated out, I think I would get angry.
Tracy
Yeah. What else? I think for me, as well, like visiting our older relatives of my grandpa regularly, that my dad gets really angsty about that. Like, "Have you visited your grandma? Are you talking to grandma?" Yeah, that is important as well.
Wendy
I can relate to that now that I've moved out, being more conscious of how often I visit my parents. And on top of that, how often my parents see my partner as well. That's really important, because it's kind of like showing face, showing that you're thinking about them, that you're caring about them that you're making time for them as well. I think that's what the main, like, objective is of doing that. But also on top of visiting, calling. Like when I used to live at home, my mum used to make like comments about like my two older sisters, like if they haven't called like, "What is your sister doing? How come she hasn't called me yet?" Like it might just be a passing comment. But it's made me more aware, now that I live at a home live out of home. I should be more conscious about those things as well.
Tracy
Yeah, I think also more traditionally, I think, Asian or Chinese parents. They're used to the idea of like, they would move in with with the married child. Like the male generally, like the parents would live with the son and his wife.
Wendy
Yeah. So you can look after them because they've looked after you.
Tracy
Yeah. And that's like completely different from like, the Australian culture, the Western culture where like kids are expected to leave home after a certain age. Whereas in our Asian culture, it's like you live at home until you get married, and then the parents move in with you.
Wendy
My parents joke about that all the time. My mum does anyway, she's just like, "Oh, once you get married, you buy a house next to me and I'll come like live in the granny flat or something. Look after your kids for you." Yeah, I feel like that's something that a lot of parents joke about.
Tracy
Yeah, I think they've accepted probably now that that's not what they're gonna get from this generation of kids. But like, traditionally, the idea of like, you have to take care of your parents.
Wendy
And I don't think it's just the son. I feel like it's like the oldest child probably bears that responsibility a bit. But I would say it's like less traditional now in Australia, anyway. But now it's also about like, distance, like how far you live from your parents. Yeah, my mum puts so much emphasis on that. Can't stress that enough. And now she's always like, your sister moved so far away from me. When I was finding a place, she was just like, don't move so far away from me. So yeah, these are the things that they think about, and how it reflects on like, kind of you and how much you care about your parents as well. Yeah. I also think about like, the "Respect your elders," not just respecting, like your grandparents or your parents, but also because I'm the third child... it's like respecting your older siblings. So this might be different to you, because you're the oldest, but like, growing up, even now, anything that my eldest sister says, carries so much more weight. And like, trust... my parents trust what she says a lot more than if I was to say anything. It's always like, if I advise them of how to do something, they're like, oh, maybe it's best to ask your eldest sister. Yeah. And then if like my sister Tuyet says, "Yeah, that's the way to do it." Then they're like, "Okay!"
Tracy
I know the experience because I'm the eldest child, and my parents always asking me like, oh, like, your sisters want to do this...is this right? And I was like, it's their life. Let them do whatever they want. You know, they always have to come to me to ask, to sense check it, you know, yeah.
Wendy
Yeah. Or if there's like tension around a particular like matter, I always have to try and get my sister in on it if I want to try and convince my, my parents of something.
Tracy
Yeah you have to get on the same page. Yeah. I feel like yeah, the oldest child definitely has a lot more weight, or like when they say things, they're listened to.
Wendy
Yeah, yeah, there's just so much more trust in them. And it's like so frustrating sometimes, but I've just accepted my fate as a third child.
Tracy
Yeah. And as an old child actually, as well, I feel like, obviously, I picked this up from the culture, but it's like, if my sisters do not respect me, it's like a no, no. But also, like, younger cousins, and people younger me, in like Chinese culture, you don't call them by their first name. So if they call the oldest, the eldest, they call like, if you call somebody older than you by their first name, that's like a big no, no. You have to refer to them as older sister. So like, my sisters would call me like jie jie, which is like older sister.
Wendy
All right. Yeah, actually, yeah, yeah. When I call them. You hold this. I'm like, "Yun Jie."
Tracy
You have to say "Jie" like you have to say "Sister." Yeah. You can't just go, "Tracy". Yes, like so just so disrespectful, using my first name.
Wendy
Yeah. Yeah, actually. And then when my little sister I just use her name. Yeah, exactly.
Tracy
But she has to refer to you as "Jie". Right?
Wendy
Oh, maybe not. Because I don't have Chinese...or my parents don't call me by my Chinese name. Yeah. But yeah. With my two older sisters who have Chinese names, I call them by that.
Tracy
Yeah!
Wendy
Oh my god. I never noticed.
Tracy
Yeah, obviously, when when we speak in English, they can refer to me as Tracy but we're speaking in Teochew, it's like, they have to refer to me as...
Wendy
Like "Jie Jie T".
Tracy
Yeah, my little cousins, because they're like, really...
Wendy
Primary school, right?
Tracy
Yeah. Like they're very, like, they're not as connected to the Asian culture as we are. So we kind of like make it a bit more Australian. It's like, a "Jie Jie T", like 'T' for Tracy.
Wendy
But still, it's so good that you instil these values and lessons in them, because I also feel like because their parents are like, so busy working, you can't teach them. Whereas when we were younger, like our parents will obviously focus on parenting, disciplining us. Yeah, rather than, like, just focusing on going out to work. And then almost like, given you this responsibility to teach your younger, like siblings or cousins.
Tracy
Yeah, I think that's a nice thing about Asian culture as well, that focus on family and like anyone who's older than you, they are like, they will, kind of, look after you. It doesn't have to be directly your sister, your cousins, your Auntie's, family friends who are old enough, kind of get treat each other like their nuclear family.
Wendy
Yeah. 100%. I think there's also like things that I do to show my parents respect, but they're less traditional. It might be, as a result of like, the Asian Australian identity merging together. But things like setting aside like a day to take my mum out, or even just opening up the conversation being like, "Hey, Mum, are you busy on this day? Do you want to go here? Because I know you really like XYZ." And it's kind of like, yeah, you're taking care of them now and showing that you have an interest in what they want to do as well. Whereas like, when you were younger, it used to be like, as a kid, like, What do you want to do? Like you would ask your child, "What would you want to do? Where do you want to go?" Or they would express it.
Tracy
You put their needs first. Are there any, like negative stories or like, you know, of listening to your elders or respecting your elders backfiring or anything?
Wendy
I mean, in the instances where I was like a very, I don't wanna say aggressive, aggressive isn't the right word, but like, teenage angst... an angsty child, when I used to talk back, I would have to sit in front of the, the praying...the altar, and like, repent for my sins.
Tracy
I had to like hold my ears.
Wendy
I've never had to do that. I literally would do that. Or I got kicked out. It would kickstart a very, very long lecture lecture that would continue for like, days, or weeks.
Tracy
And then you trigger them again, and they refer back to the moment.
Wendy
Oh my god, yeah, a never ending cycle. And also, I feel like parents, like hold all this... like Asian parents anyway.... They don't release the anger at once. Like at that moment, they just hold it in, they remember that moment, and then wait for the time kick off. And they just bring back everything that you've ever done wrong. And you were just like, oh, shit, I forgot I did that.
Tracy
And then you can't even like, fight back because it's against the culture to even like defend yourself.
Wendy
Yeah. So what I've realised is just like, yeah, when my parents disagree with something now. I've kind of come to the point where I'm just like, yep, yep. Cool. Cool. I mean, I'm gonna go and do the other thing anyway. But I'll just acknowledge what you've said and not talk back. Yeah, it's just so much easier like that because then you're just like, it's no good for my mental health to get a lecture.
Tracy
Yeah. Yeah. And it's like for them, it's like their whole culture, their values that you're challenging. It's just the way they are, you know.
Wendy
Another interesting thing, actually, because this just happened last night. But the eldest child getting married, and what that means for the parents. So we had a dinner for like, Mother's Day, and she was just like, "Stop, stop. When are you getting married?" Not to me, but to my eldest sister.
Tracy
Oh, my gosh.
Wendy
And reflecting on and now I just think she was like, "Because people are asking me when I'm gonna get grandchildren, or, you know, when they're gonna be able to attend the wedding." Because it's such a big thing in Asian culture, because it's almost like, the moment you get married as the eldest child. It's almost like, marks the moment you should be giving back.
Tracy
Yeah, I think so. And it's like, for your parents is like, "Oh, they're successful now. They're gonna be looked after now." Like they it's like, almost like a tick for them. Yeah. This child is looked after. I don't have to worry about them anymore because they're married.
Wendy
Yeah, absolutely wild right?
Tracy
Interesting. Yeah. So we've kind of talked about like, examples of how respecting your elders, listen to the elders, come up in our everyday lives. But let's talk about kind of bigger things. So like, what are the life lessons that we've learned from our elders that we carry forward to now?
Wendy
What are some of yours?
Tracy
I think my... the ones I think about is, number one, family is the first priority. That's something that's been ingrained for me from like, my parents, but also like my aunties, uncles, just the way the language they've always used is like, you know, blood is thicker than water, you know, that type of vibe. Like, from a child, it's always like, put your family first. You know, family gatherings are like, you have to go to them, Chinese New Year, you have to go to them, because you're with family. And I think that also comes into the idea of respecting your elders, because I guess it's like showing up for your parents, and showing up for your aunties, uncles, grandparents or not. So I think that's one lesson that I've taken, like, family is something... is one of my values now, like, it's just how I grew up. But it's also like treating people like family as well.
Wendy
Yeah, that's huge. And I would say that, like, I feel like, I'm part of your family whenever I come over and stuff so I can see why it's such a big value. For me, I think when it comes to family, it's all about like, on top of what you said, it's more so about how other people see your family. So it's like, how you behave in public, how you greet people's parents, how you carry yourself wherever you go. If it's anything that goes against what your parents have taught you, the way that other people will see you is, they'll think your parents didn't teach you well, right? Or like they don't they weren't raised properly,
Tracy
Like keeping up appearances.
Wendy
Yeah, exactly. And I think that's a massive thing for my mum, because she's always like, when I was younger, anywhere that I went, like without her, if I was like joining another family and a trip or something, she would tell me like make sure you do this, this and this. Because if you don't do that then they're gonna think that I'm a bad mum. Right?
Tracy
And is that something that you think about now, like when you're out in public and stuff? Do you think, "Oh, I have to show myself in a certain way because it reflects on how my parents raised me?
Wendy
Yeah, to a certain degree, I think it's more so something that's underlying that I don't notice often. But I know that I'm guilty of like, looking at a child, if if I'm on the street, and the child's behaving badly, my instant thought is like, their mum or dad must have not raised them properly. So it's, like, ingrained in my brain and it almost like determines how I judge other people as well. But now I'm like, obviously catching myself thinking those things. Because my mum has just like, pushed it into my brain as a child.
Tracy
Yeah. Another lesson I think I have taken from my parents is like the importance of giving back and being generous. Like, I think growing up, I've never really ever been in a position where I feel like we're comfortable, financially, I would say, like we didn't have a lot, we don't have a lot but having that context and seeing my parents be so generous to other people, like donating money to charity, or like giving out food to people or like just being very generous to strangers even. Seeing that behaviour, despite not having a lot ourselves, has really helped me, I guess, see the importance of being generous and it shows me that that's a big value that they care about. And it's something that I've adopted as a child, I think.
Wendy
Yeah, I see this so much in my mum, because, you know, a lot of people now are still coming from Vietnam to here, on visas to work. And I've seen my mum helped a lot of people through that, whether it's like, you know, helping them get on their feet, or helping them find a job, or just providing like assistance in any way possible. She always talks about like, karma, like, good karma and she's like, you know, "I help people because I know how hard it was for me when I first came in, I didn't have any help." And there's no other question about it. It's just like, you just help people, right? And like, to your point about not having a lot yourself, you always have something to give, whether it...it doesn't need to be financial or anything like that. I feel like even just providing assistance to people like translating for them maybe, or I've been in positions where I've helped some of my mum's friends with like tech, or something. It's just like something as little as that will bring you good karma, because it goes a long way. And my mum also talks about like, sending donations back to Vietnam. And I think one time my mum was like, to me, it's like, even if it's just a little bit, it doesn't need to be a lot. Like, it's just the gesture of doing it, it will bring good karma.
Tracy
Yeah, that's true. I think it's karma, it's a big thing in Buddhist cultures. Yeah. And also like the idea that we don't have it bad. Like, I feel like we might be like, "Life is so hard. Like, we have no money. We're poor, blah, blah." But the parents always need to say like, no, like, there are people who are like struggling, don't have shelter, don't have food, like you actually have it pretty good to be in Australia. So is that giving perspective to like, oh, yeah, there are people who are not as well off as you are. And you know, you're not... actually your life is pretty good.
Wendy
I think I get exposed to it firsthand, because my mum's family still in Vietnam. And I see the things that they argue over, I hear the things that kind of bother people in Vietnam, and it's just like, wow, those things are so trivial to us in Australia, because we've grown up here, but you can see what it feels like living in a country like that, versus like living in a first world country like Australia. And I think because I see it firsthand, I'm always like, oh, yeah, I actually don't have it that bad. Like, doesn't mean I'm rich, doesn't mean, you know, I have the nicest house in the world but at least we know that we've got it better than others. So, you know, we should do our bit to kind of give back.
Tracy
Yeah, reminding ourselves the privilege we actually have.
Wendy
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think another thing that I, um, growing up, that I realised my mum said a lot was...um... just trying to translate in my brain from Cantonese. When she was kind of more like, having like, a sentimental moment. She's just like, you know, "As a parent, I'm not as strict as some other people out there. I'm actually like, pretty, pretty loose or like, pretty, like relaxed about how much I let you guys go out when you were younger, how much I let you guys experience." And I think growing up, the thing that I did, in response to that, was making sure that I always asked my parents...or told them where I was going, and then ask for permission if I could do it. Because I always knew they were going to say yes. But the important thing was you are being honest with them, and you're communicating with them, like, where you're going and they will give you their two cents about whether or not it was a sensible decision or not.
Tracy
Yeah, I can very much relate to that. Because as the eldest child, I feel like I had so much trust being put on me. Yeah. So that trust itself, like, my parents are not strict at all, like I was actually who your parents are. So I never had a curfew, like they've never really like put restrictions on me, compared to some other people maybe. So by feeling that and feeling the trust they had in me, I felt the need to be very honest to them. So I am not really able to lie to my parents, because I feel like they already have given me so many freedoms and so much trust, that I owe it to them to tell them where I am. And then thing that they care about the most is like, as long as you're safe, physically, whatever, like you're not, I don't know, walking dark by yourself, whatever. As long as you're safe and they know where I am, they allow me to do whatever I want. So learning to be honest and open to them is important as well.
Wendy
Yeah, yeah. I think actually, a lot of it relates back to safety when you think about it. I was one of those, you know, children that had to have a curfew. If you ask anyone, like Tracy would know this, but I was always like the first one to go home because I knew I had to be home at this time. But it's also because, you know, my parents raised for girls. And obviously, for girls, it's a lot more dangerous and so I feel like they wanted to put those, like rules or instil those kinds of lessons within us, because they just want us to be safe. They don't want it's not like them intentionally preventing you from doing something. But it comes from the perspective of whether or not it's like the safest thing for you to be doing. Yeah. And a lot of the time, like, the reason why my parents just wanted me to come home early. It was just knowing that you're not like, out there, and nothing has happened to you. Yeah, type of thing.
Yeah. I think the only thing that my parents were strict on it was the whole safety thing. Like, not going out in the dark, not going out by myself, like having making sure that I have a ride to places, like being aware of my surroundings. I think physical safety was such a big, big emphasis. Yeah.
And on top of that, telling them where you are. Yeah, rather than having like radio silence, because even now, if I'm like, expecting someone like friends or family, and I don't hear from them, I just assume that worst case scenario. Yeah. And that's just a glimpse into like, what it would feel like if you were a parent, and you didn't even know where your child was, right.
Tracy
And so I feel like with I don't know, if it's an Asian thing, but you know, we drop our friends at their homes, we always make sure we wait to see that they go into the door and shut the door before we drive off. Yeah. And like also, like, "Text me when you're home", you know, like, stuff like that, like behaviours. And like, kind of another thing on the being strict thing like, I feel like something I learned from Auntie is like, I guess, parenting like, I learned some parenting tips from them. Because I, they always talked about how it's always the parents were really, really strict that have bad relationships with their kids. Because the kids are being pushed away by all the rules, the rules, the parents are trying to like, keep the kids close to them. But the more rules they put, once they grow up, they're going to want to move to a different city to escape from their parents. Because they're under so many strict rules.
Wendy
I've actually seen this in people. Once they get to an age where they know they can start rebelling, it is like zero to 100. And because that just made me realise how grateful I am to have had parents that allowed me to go out but within reason.
Tracy
Exactly. Yeah. Because if they'll completely strict, you'll be like, as soon as you turn 18 You're out of there, right?
Wendy
Yeah. And then that just leads to like a terrible relationship with your parents. And it's actually really sad.
Tracy
It is really sad. Yes. I think the way the parents in my family, I'm very appreciative for it, because they were like, "Let the child do whatever they want, let them pursue their passions, as long as they're safe."
Wendy
And it's also like, it instils guilt within you but you come to that realisation yourself. So things like if you haven't been visiting your parents, you realise, "Oh, I should probably visit my parents." Yeah.
Tracy
Yeah. Like you want to do it.
Wendy
Yeah. Well, or if you've stayed out late, knowing that your parents...you told your parents aren't going to be home at this time. You kind of feel bad that you didn't tell them you're gonna come home a bit later.
Tracy
Yeah, or like weeks where you go out three days in a row, you're like I have to stay at home for the next two days to like balance it out.
Wendy
To like, have dinner with my parents. Yeah, it's a real thing, guys. I think on top of all those lessons, something that I've noticed actually from moving out, is things like being hospitable to your guests. So when people come over, like I always saw my mom like... she would make tea for the guests or cut fruit. Or like, clean up and make sure that places like presentable so that's another thing right like cleanliness and hygiene like I, whenever I know people are coming over and make such a big effort to clean the place because it's almost like a reflection of like, how much you care about the space that you're within and acknowledging that you've got people coming over.
Tracy
Yeah, I think it also comes to like being generous like to your guests and making them feel welcomed as possible.
Wendy
Yeah, that's massive. The other thing also is like health is a big thing. Like my mum is so big on health. Like if I get sick, the first thing she will say is like, "It's because you're not drinking enough water. You're not getting enough sleep."
Tracy
You're not wearing a jumper.
Wendy
And I actually realised I'd say those things to people now. Like to my partner, if you get sick. You didn't drink enough water, you didn't getting enough sleep or it's because you didn't wear a jumper yesterday. Yeah, that's your fault. Oh, my God, scary, like I'm actually my mum. But then, you know, you take a step back and you realise, it's because they just want you to care about your health, and prevent getting sick before it's too late.
Tracy
Yeah, I'm pretty bad with that, because I'm very stubborn. So anytime my parents give me health advice, I ignore it. I need to get better at it.
Wendy
Yeah, I listen to my mum to a certain extent. I mean, she like goes out and buys like herbal medicines, cooks up like a pot of like leng cha, which is like a translation called cooling tea. Yeah. But it's basically like herbal tea to make you better. And those are lessons or kind of rituals that I've adopted myself since moving out. Yeah, I like when I get sick. I'm like to my mum, Oh I'm a bit sick, can you like cook me some soup? And it's because it's just been drilled into me as a child, like your health is so important and you don't want to get to the stage where you're like, old and you haven't looked after yourself. And it's also, you wish other people good health as well. Like, as a respect thing.
Tracy
That's true as well.
Wendy
Yeah. So I think health is a big lesson as well.
Tracy
Yeah, that's true, really kinda reminds me like, I feel like my parents always say like, "Don't push your body too hard." Especially because we play a lot of sports, they get very concerned that like, just a sport you know, like, don't break anything, like don't push it too hard, like look after your body or something.
Wendy
Even if they lecture you first. It's like always with good intention.
Tracy
How about money, any lessons from money?
Wendy
Oh, my God, yesterday at this same Mother's Day dinner conversation. My Dad was like, out of all my daughter's, Wendy is definitely the person that spends the most. And obviously, I was just pouting, yeah, got nothing to say because it's true. But on that, I think, again, now that I'm in my own place, I finally understand what it means when my mum says like, oh, I don't want to buy too much, because it's just gonna take up space in the house. Yeah, so that's one thing, but also, like, you don't want to spend your money frivolously because it has implications on like, what you need to pay for like bills, utilities, and mortgage. Yeah, I finally understand all those things now. And it's also about intentional spending. Because money was such a precious thing growing up, and you know, our parents came here with nothing. I think you think more holistic, about... holistically about what you're spending on, as opposed to just like splashing cash on anything.
Tracy
Yeah, I feel like now you say that I think about money. Like every dollar literally means something to me. Like, which is kind of scary, right? Isn't that I look at it as like if I lose $1 Oh, my God, that is so much money. It's about I think the idea that like they try to make every dollar work as hard as they can they're very resourceful.
Wendy
Yes, resourceful is such a good word. Because I think my mum especially, is so resourceful. Like, there are things she makes herself, like DIY. I'm like, Mum, wy can't we just like, buy that? And I just, I just see that, it's because like money needs to be considered in such a different way for them, because it's not as disposable as it is for us.
Tracy
Yeah, that's true. I definitely learned to be more money conscious because of them. Yeah. I think another thing that I've learned is like to be proud of my culture for my parents. I think our parents, our elders, our aunties, whatever uncles, they're so like, they're so unapologetically them. Like, they practice their Asian cultures, they speak their language, they do whatever and they're not afraid of it. Yeah, that they're gonna be I'm gonna, I'm gonna do me and I don't care what anyone else thinks.
Wendy
Yeah, I don't think my parents have outwardly said it, but you can see it in the way that they work or the way that they hold themselves, in society in general, right? And I also think that it speaks to the culture that we have around like, hard work and grit. I feel like my work ethic is so driven by how my parents raised me. It's like, if something like shit comes your way, it's not like, "My life is gonna be over." It's more so like, "What is the lesson in this? How am I going to overcome it?" And then you come out the other side, kind of like acknowledging that you went through a hard time, but you've survived it. Yeah and it's something to be proud of.
Tracy
Yeah, like, yeah, it's like resilience, right? Like, every time I go through something hard, I'm like, my parents literally moved countries. They were like, you know, like migrants in another country, they've gone through so many things that are worse, it's just perspective.
Wendy
Yeah. And I know, you know, when you're younger, you hated hearing, "When I was younger, I didn't have this." But you know, we're at that age where we can reflect on everything our parents ever taught us and be grateful for it and also see sense in it. Yeah, so maybe it's like having so much gratitude for our parents now, like the ending lesson of this is always like, we can see sense in everything that they ever said and we're almost like practising it ourselves and that's why we want to give back to them. Because, you know, they've spent so much effort and time trying to raise us as like decent human beings, so the very least that we can do, is just give back to them for all the hard work that they put in to us.
Tracy
Yeah and I think it's just about like, it's nice that we're at an age now to appreciate the lessons we've learned from our elders. Compared to like, as a child, you probably just don't know, not listening to your parents at all. But yeah, it's like, shoutout to our elders, like, people, you know, teaching us to respect their elders and listening to your lessons and things like that.
Wendy
Mm, yeah. I think it's very classic Asian that you're... it's funny that we do this episode, but our parents will never know what we're saying.
Tracy
Yeah, but it's in the way we carry ourselves.
Wendy
Yeah and I think the way we treat them. Like, I have moments with my mum like conversations in the car, where I'm just like, "Yeah, you know, what you told me like, it's actually so true." Or you actually talk about other people. And you talk about, you know, what they're going through. And a lot of the time I've said to my mum, like, "You know that thing that you told me about this? Like, yeah, I can see why it makes sense now, because my friend is going through this, and blah, blah, blah" You know, so kind of having more open and candid conversations with your parents about it. I think I'm at that age where I'm comfortable doing that now. Well, if I was younger, I was just like, responded to, like, anger.
Tracy
It's like any time they speak, you're not even listening, right?
Wendy
Yeah. But now it's like being more grateful for it and just showing our love in different ways.
Tracy
Yeah. And it's like, knowing that there's so much you can learn from your elders, not just your parents, but anyone who is older than you.
Wendy
Well I think we've talked through all the lessons, but I'm keen to hear what everyone else has to say. I'm sure there are so many more lessons that you know, you have all had with your own parents, and every household is so different. And even for Tracy and I, it's like we've only spoken from our Chinese Australian experience. We'd be keen to hear what it's like for other kinds of cultures as well.
Tracy
Yeah, I think I'll we'll put a question in the shownotes and on our Instagram page, but like, what is the biggest lesson you've learned from your elders? Yeah, love to hear that.
Wendy
Cool. Now on to dinner table questions.
Tracy
Alright, the first question, what time of year do you most look forward to?
Wendy
Our Spring. I love Spring. Yeah, I mean, mainly because me being, loving myself, but my birthday is in Spring. But also, it just marks like, coming out of winter, hibernation and also like, you know, you're gonna have like another six months of like, warm weather, sun, being outdoors. Yeah, I just love that.
Tracy
I agree, I think. I look forward to the day ..what's daylight savings?
Wendy
Oh, I was just mention that.
Tracy
Yeah. When it's brighter, later. Yeah. I don't know what month daylight savings hits. But..
Wendy
I think it's like August September?
Tracy
I don't know. But I really look forward to like daylight savings like as soon as like, it's like, nighttime, but the sun is still up. You can still like have a good time. Like, yeah, I love that.
Wendy
What would you do if you picked up $50 from the ground?
Tracy
And this is discounting returning it right? I will keep it and I will spend it on something. $50... I feel like I would buy a product. I didn't think about it. Maybe I'll buy clothes or buy something that I would never buy for myself. Because I'm like, this is extra money.
Wendy
Yeah, treat yourself!
Tracy
Yeah.
Wendy
I would take it as a good omen and celebrate something good. Like whether it's like, oh, nice meal with this. Yeah. But sometimes, like when I found money, I tell my mum and I'm like, "Mum, I found this money, let's go out and eat."
Tracy
Oh, yeah so eat and experience.
Wendy
Maybe it's like celebrating the fact that you found $50 with spending the $50.
Tracy
I reckon I'll buy clothes.
Wendy
Yeah love that though, treat yourself!
Tracy
Um, the last question is what is a recent favourite of yours? Like could be anything... that you've been liking in the last month or so?
Wendy
Um, I just got a new rug. Oh, yes, we love my rug. You know growing up, I feel like Asians don't really use rugs, dunno.
Tracy
I'm thinking about it now like, Yes, that's true, is it?
Wendy
Yeah. Yeah, my in my house, my parents house, I never had a rug. Yeah. But I'm like, it really transformed my space. And like, don't underestimate the power of a rug guys. Yeah, and I invested in a really good one because I couldn't get like a fluffy one because of my allergies. But now it gets me up in the mornings, I take my morning meetings on my rug.
Tracy
Where's it from? You have to describe it.
Wendy
Oh, it's Armadillo & Co. and it's made up of like wool and jute, which is like, quite durable, but easy to clean. And wool doesn't hold as much like dust and stuff as other materials. I think I might be wrong. I don't know. The person in the show room really sold it to me. But I have grey tiles in my apartment and it really warmed it up. So this is my favourite. What about you?
Tracy
Um, I think a recent thing, maybe because it's fresh in my memory, but Pachinko? Oh, yes. Yeah. Last episode, no spoilers. But yeah, obviously, I've read the book so the book was one of my favourites. But then the show itself, like doesn't... I think has another purpose. But it does more than what the book does as well. It's not exactly the same. But I love how like, it's like, a story that it's not really often told, like, you know, Koreans living in Japan, and the whole story behind that, and the history behind it. And I think the way the storytelling is fun. The Apple TV show is really like, unique and really nice. And it does like, does the book justice, I think.
Wendy
Yeah, I think you made a good point that it was an addition to the book. Yes. Not a direct reflection.
Tracy
Yes, exactly. It complements it almost. Yeah.
Wendy
And I don't think you get a lot of shows that do that. Like a lot of people kind of read books, and they watch a movie. And they're like, "Oh, the book was better than the movie." Or "the movie was better than the book." And I think, yeah, I agree in the sense that Pachinko kind of adds another layer, but it also tells like the different timelines, stories, really well without you getting confused. Yeah. And like the photography is so beautiful, so beautifully, like, colour graded.
Tracy
Yes, the colour grading is so nice. Yeah. The landscapes, everything, like the acting.
Wendy
Oh, yeah. The theme song is so fun. Yes. Even the branding, the logo? Like the opening credits.
Tracy
it's just so beautiful. And it's really cool that it's like a blend of Western and Eastern, like, what do you call it? Media? Is what you call it like, because it's like, it's not your traditional Korean drama. It's not your traditional Western drama, it's a blend of the two. And you can really tell that in the storytelling as well. Yeah.
Wendy
And it's also situated in like Japan, America, and Korea. And, yeah, I feel like it was only eight episodes, but it just really packed a punch in every single episode.
Tracy
I'd recommend it. I think there's a lot to learn from it and like a lot of perspectives that you'll get from it, that you don't really get in mainstream media. So it's a really good watch.
Wendy
Great. Well, that wraps up this episode. We hope that you enjoyed it as per usual, I love reflecting on, you know, lessons from our elders, because again, we're at the age where we can and we're kind of going off into our own world. So it's so important to reflect on our learnings as children and see remembering where we came from. Yeah, exactly. That that really grounds us, right. Yeah. And that's the whole purpose of this podcast as well. Yeah. Paying homage to our elders. Yeah. Well, as always, if you have any comments, questions, DM us on a @aseatatourtable.podcast.
Tracy
Thanks for listening everybody. Bye!